Process Analysis Essay
How To Be A Lady
Close your eyes and picture a "Lady". "Demure, sweet, passive and submissive.” are words that may come to your mind. The antiquated vision of a 50’s housewife baking cookies may grace the back of your eyelids. She follows all customary rules of dinner etiquette, dresses conservatively while keeping with the latest trends, and always has a smile on her face. You are wrong. You have been brainwashed. Continue reading this manual to begin your training. Once you have completed this manual Contact agent 008 to begin your first assignment.
Before you begin your training you must know this: A lady is, and can be, many things. She can possess a diverse number of traits and talents, come in any shape or size and be of any age. However there is one thing a lady absolutely must have, no exceptions made. That is, a Swiss army knife. It is a practical tool for everyday use and one should never leave home without it.
A true lady takes pride in her appearance. From head to toe she is polished and perfect. Remember to invest in a good buffer, I personally prefer the MX9000 but any large industrial model will due. Nails should be kept clean and tidy, you never know when you might need to nail someone. Proper ladies dress only in shades of red and black. No exceptions are to be made. "Why?" you may ask? Because cognitively the color red is associated with danger, mistakes, and caution. You are dangerous. It is a mistake to mess with you. Citizens should take caution to avoid your bad side. Black is a sensible color and does not show blood stains easily. It can also prove convenient to clothe oneself in black on stealth missions or things of that nature.
A lady conducts all her actions with an air of confidence and sophistication and should not be given over to the evils of bad manners. To remain poised even when insulted or when one finds oneself in an embarrassing situation is the real mark of a lady. Never show weakness. Your enemy can smell it. On the subject of “Keeping up with the Joneses”; jealousy is an ugly trait and no true lady may say she possess it. Competition is fine and healthy in small doses. To compete with others for jobs, grades or other accomplishments is fine, however two ladies should never ever compete for the affections of a man. Men are a renewable resource, to exert excess time and energy competing for one is unwise.
A lady should, however, devote her time to becoming refined, like a strong alloyed metal. Some appropriate role models would be Audrey Hepburn or possibly a mighty length of steel. Increase your knowledge of other cultures, nature, physics or even ballistics. Those may come in handy when you least expect it. When a lady has nothing to say, her lips are sealed. Speak with caution, for once words are released into the universe they can never ever be taken back. When a lady does speak, her words are carefully thought out and contribute to the conversation rather than detract. Some appropriate topics of conversation are: the latest developments in neuro-science, the corruption of our political system or even the best way to dress a gun-shot wound.
At the completion of this manual you have hopefully learned what it truly means to be a lady. A lady is, and can be, many things but above all a lady must possess a sense of pride in her appearance, poise in her actions, refinement of her character and most importantly a Swiss army knife. Now that your re-education is complete you will find your new lady-like persona will prove to benefit you in every sector of your life from business to friendships and even romance. Contact agent 008 to begin your first field assignment. Good-luck young lady.